<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Don't you even go there, cutting of your long hair, you do as you're told by thousand_thoughts</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28299828">Don't you even go there, cutting of your long hair, you do as you're told</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thousand_thoughts/pseuds/thousand_thoughts'>thousand_thoughts</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Minecraft (Video Game), Minecraft youtube, Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Body Image, Coming Out, Dysphoria, Internalized Transphobia, Realization, Supportive TommyInnit, Trans Male Character, Trans Toby Smith | Tubbo, ftm character, unsafe binding</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 01:14:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,310</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28299828</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thousand_thoughts/pseuds/thousand_thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The illusion of euphoria was broken and the world seemed to slow down, the birds outside her window froze in mid-flight and the sound of honking cars ceased. Her blood seemed to freeze as a thought entered her mind. Yeah, this was wrong. The way her voice sounded when she spoke, her current waist-long hair, the curves that had slowly crept up on her, having to go up a size for her sports bras. It was all wrong. And for the first time in her life, she swore. </p><p> </p><p>“Go to hell Sarah”. </p><p>_-_-_-_</p><p>Some slight self-projection in the form of Trans Tubbo.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>464</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Don't you even go there, cutting of your long hair, you do as you're told</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Content warnings: <br/>- Self hate in the form of body dysphoria<br/>- General gender dysphoria<br/>- Panic attacks<br/>- Transphobia</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>June 17th, 2013</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>LightGaming076: </b>
  <span>Dude I never got your name, what should I call you? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Me: </b>
  <span>Oh you can call me Sarah! </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>LightGaming076: </b>
  <span>You’re a girl? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Me: </b>
  <span>Uhm yeah? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>LightGaming076: </b>
  <span>Should have known, you know nothing about Minecraft.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Me: </b>
  <span>What the hell is that supposed to mean? I beat you in 1v1!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>You can no longer send messages to this person. </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That was so rude. She swirled around in her wooden desk chair and crossed her arms over her chest. What made him think that he had a say in how much she knew about her favorite game. She turned her attention to the street outside of her window, the neighboring kids were kicking a ball between them and shouting insults. The angry words seeped through the cracks in the window seal and spread through her room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just kick straight Toby! Stop being a cunt!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And she got an idea. It may be dumb and kind of deceiving but she wanted to test her hypothesis. There was not a moment of hesitation when she logged in to her Mojang account and changed her name. And on second thought, the name BunnyGlitter was terrible really. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tweek_Tweek joined the game</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>/msg LightGaming076 1v1 me?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>LightGaming076 has invited you to a duel, accept? </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As both of the players were dropped into the oval arena Sarah’s cursor hovered over the kit she uses generously before deciding that it would be best to use another kit. If she played like she did last time, Light might get suspicious. The countdown began and she charged forward. As she predicted from last time, he chose to strafe left and immediately ender pearl behind her to crit her out but this time she was prepared and turned around in advance, placing lava where the ender pearl hit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With 6 hearts left to spare, LightGaming076 was defeated in a 1v1 duel yet again. Now was the time to put her theory to use. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Me: </b>
  <span>You’re good, what’s your name?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>LightGaming076: </b>
  <span>Robin, u? Btw u got discord? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Me: </b>
  <span>I’m --She hesitated for a moment -- Toby, and yeah my tag is Tweek#****</span>
</p><p>
  <b>LightGaming076: </b>
  <span>Sick I’ll add you! </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She scoffed and rested her head in her hands, waiting for the discord ping that would signal the incoming friend request.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>_-_-_-_</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As the years went by she stuck to using an online alias, no one was going to prove her wrong and she had grown comfortable with her online friends calling her by the name Toby, always referring to her as he. There had only been few instances when Lani had decided to wander into her room while shouting “Sarah come play!”, fortunately, she got away with blaming it on her non-existent dog. To be frank, she liked living as a boy on the internet, but in real life, she was a girl, she knew that. There was a difference between the real world and the virtual one, Toby was simply a character that would never escape her laptop. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At the time, she didn’t know what would hit her a year later. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>_-_-_-_</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sarah dumped the plastic bag on her bed, the contents spilling out over her light blue duvet covers. Her mom had told her to run upstairs and try something on for next week. It was September and she was starting stage 3 soon which meant that she needed to be cool. Everyone knew that you were automatically cool if you had new clothes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the hasty action of pulling her white top over her head, she glanced in the full-length mirror standing next to her bed, she seemed to suddenly stop and observe herself. Arms crossed above her head, pulling on thin fabric that covered her shoulders, she lets her eyes fall to her exposed middle. Her waist was on full display in the mirror, slight curves beginning to form and teasing the years she had in front of her. It seemed like her eyes were glued to the glass and aluminum that reflected her own image at her. Slowly she twisted her body to stand fully facing the mirror, the dips in height with her belly button sending a shiver up her spine. There was a sudden feeling of discomfort and she snapped out of her trance, quickly pulling the top over her head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She reached for the yellow dress her mom had picked out for her hours earlier, forcing herself to wrestle it over her body. Rapidly she turned to the mirror again, the light fabric falling just bellow her knees. She locked eyes with herself in the mirror. The expression she unintentionally wore was one of distress, her brows slightly furrowed and eyes glazed over with could only be described as fear. Why was she scared? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Distress morphed to anger and she ripped the dress off, button dangerously close to being stripped from the collar. The white top found its way on her torso again and she rushed over to her laptop and opened up google. Her mind was running at a thousand miles per minute and her fingers flew over the keys. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Why am I scared of my body? </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>_-_-_-_</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The following weeks could only be described by one word and one word only. Hell. It had been absolute hell for her. Whatever had happened that day in September had set off an internal butterfly effect that disturbed whatever peace she had inside her mind. She found herself in the bathroom stalls way too often, curled up on the toilet seat with silent tears running down her cheeks. The feeling of something cramping inside her made her want to throw up but yet  There was something wrong, she couldn’t tell what it was but it was eating her up inside. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Returning to class after having a crying session always felt weird, her face was dry and her eyes were not as puffy after a few splashes of cold water but the voice in her head told her that everyone knew. As she sat down in her seat, her ears couldn’t help but listen in on the conversation that took place behind her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dude, did you see the guy in year 9?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The one with a skirt on? Yeah, apparently he’s a tranny, kinda creepy”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What the hell was a tranny? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>_-_-_-_</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tranny.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A transvestite or a transgender person. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The words on her screen stared her right in the face and without thinking she opened a new tab, the sentence ‘</span>
  <b>What’s a transgender person</b>
  <span>’ appearing quite quickly in the search bar. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘</span>
  <b>Transgender</b>
  <span> people have a gender identity or gender expression that differs from the sex that they were assigned at birth.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She whispered the words out loud to herself, the phrase bouncing back and forth in her mind and placing itself in the front of her consciousness. The concept of being born in the wrong body seemed to resonate with her for some reason, why did she feel like this… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Like a lightning bolt striking a tree, the idea hit her, and without thinking, she grabbed the pile of newly dried clothes that still laid on her bed. One after another the shirts fell to the floor, each having huge rips in them that put the garments in a state far beyond repair. And with the torn fabric in her arms, she ran downstairs and threw them down on the floor. Her mother was startled by the sudden disruption of peace and her eyes traveled from Sarah to the destroyed clothes and back up to Sarah. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sarah what is thi-” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I need new clothes,” She stated and grabbed her mother’s hand in an attempt to get her to follow Sarah’s actions. It seemed to prove a difficult task as her mother stopped in the doorframe and didn’t move. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sarah,” Her voice was demanding, she felt a gust of cold wind blow over her when her name left her mothers lips, “Explain yourself right now,” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No! I need new clothes now!” She countered and continued to tug on her mother, shouting at her to drive them both to the mall. The 13-year-old continued on for what felt like hours, screaming because her mother didn’t understand that the clothes currently laying in the middle of the living room were bad, bad clothes. Her mother simply stood there and took it until her daughter eventually collapsed on the floor, hot tears streaming down her face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Why the hell did she do that? Now she had no clothes since her mother refused to take her to the mall. Did she just ruin everything for nothing? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sarah, look at me please,” Her mother's soft voice rang through the hallway, “I don’t know why you did that and to be honest it was very unnecessary. But I guess we have no choice but to get you new clothes then. iI we go right now, do you promise me to never ever do that again?” Her hand came to stroke the tears from her cheeks as her daughter calmed down. Slowly she nodded and her mother lifted her up from the floor and led her towards the door, slowly dressing her in thicker clothes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On their way to the city center, Sarah couldn’t help but stare at the boys walking down the street, there was nothing romantic or cute in her eyes, just pure envy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>_-_-_-_</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The navy blue shirt was a little too big on her when she looked in the mirror, but somehow it felt right. The sleeves seemed to reach a bit further down her arms and the neckline was smaller and put less skin on display. She turned around and seemed pretty contempt in herself, she really liked these new clothes. After pulling off the shirt she reached for another one, this time dark red. It had a square picture of a sunset over the mountains on it, she picked it herself of course. As the shirt was pulled over her head she felt it get caught on something on top of her head, she didn’t pay much thought to it until she faced the mirror again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dark brown locks of hair cascading down her shoulders and settling over her shoulders, her bun had come undone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The illusion of euphoria was broken and the world seemed to slow down, the birds outside her window froze in mid-flight and the sound of honking cars ceased. Her blood seemed to freeze as a thought entered her mind. Yeah, this was wrong. The way her voice sounded when she spoke, her current waist-long hair, the curves that had slowly crept up on her, having to go up a size for her sports bras. It was all wrong. And for the first time in her life, she swore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Go to hell Sarah”. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She whipped her body around and grabbed the pair of scissors that laid on her desk, scattered amongst pens and paper. The hallway was empty when she rushed past her parent's bedroom and thew open the bathroom door before slamming it shut behind her again. Her heart was beating out of her chest as she stared herself in the face, eyes lown wide and hands trembling. She reached for her hair and held it in front of her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chop. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This was wrong. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chop. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This body was wrong. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chop. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This name was wrong. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chop. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This voice was wrong. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chop.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was wrong. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chop. Chop. Chop. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he. He was right. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And when the orange lights from the setting sun found their way through the bathroom window he looked up. In a spectacle of dancing lights, he found himself in euphoria at the sight he saw. He laughed and backed up towards the wall and slid down the cold marble plates, a tired sigh left his lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Welcome home Toby” He whispered to no one but himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>_-_-_-_</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>January 12th, 2021</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I told you to throw it at the snowman!” Tommy yelled as he wiped snow from his face. The cold biting at his skin and turning his nose a shade of red. Tubbo was standing a few meters away from him doubled over and laughing, The joy he got out of annoying Tommy was something that would never disappear no matter their age. When the younger of them got no verbal response he decided that revenge was the only option. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aight that’s it Big T you’re getting it,” He muttered and gathered a handful of snow in his hands and rushing towards Tubbo. He may love his best friend very much but right now he was going to be a bitch and stuff his jacket full of snow. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After finally regaining some sense of stability in his breathing Tubbo looked up just in time to see the menacing expression of Tommy as he was hit right in the face with the biggest ball of snow he had seen. He shrieked and held up his hands to protect himself but it was too late, the snow was melting and making its way down his neck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tommy no! That’s so cold!” He yelled and tried desperately to remove the melting snow from his hood. But still, laughter was present in his voice and as Tommy continued to declare victory he couldn’t help but continue laughing. Feeling himself need to sit down he grabbed Tommy by the arm and forced the other down with him too. Both boys hit the ground at the same time, they laid there for a moment, laughing while looking at the stars that twinkled in the sky. The yard was lit up by the lights hanging from the trees in the corner of the garden, newly fallen snow hung heavy on the branches. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy continued to make funny anecdotes, talking about how if different stars were women he would 100% date them and whatnot. It started off with Tubbo having a genuinely good time and laughing with his best friend but soon his laughs became weak and far in between, he felt himself curl up when the sharp pain hit him and his breathing became shallow. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He groaned and rolled over on his side to try and ease the pain but the change of position only seemed to make it worse. Seconds passed before Tommy realized that he was in fact the only one talking and that the other had gone silent. For a moment he waited, questioning whether Tubbo had just calmed down or if something was actually wrong. When he heard a whimper followed by a groan he decided that something was definitively wrong. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Slowly he reached out to grab a hold of Tubbo’s shoulder, lightly shaking him and calling his name. Tubbo groaned again but made an effort to sit up, the pained expression on his face worrying Tommy greatly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shit Toby did you hurt yourself?” He asked panicked, Tubbo shook his head and braced himself on Tommy’s arm as he stood up and muttered “I need to go inside, please”. Tommy only followed behind him like a motherless duckling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tubbo kicked off his shoes, leaving them discarded in the middle of the hallway as he turned the corner and made his way up the stairs, ignoring Tommy who was struggling to get his own boots off. The younger ran after him up the stairs and set off towards Tubbo’s room, the door having just been closed. Lanky fingers found themselves pressing down the handle but a panicked voice yelled at him to stop.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy didn’t understand, why was Tubbo acting so weird? If something bad had happened he would tell his best friend, right? He wanted to just barge in and demand an explanation but at the same time he respected Tubbo’s wishes and stayed out, pressing his ear to the wood in an attempt to gather knowledge of what was happening. He discarded his coat and slid down the door, back turned to it as he leaned his head back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On the other side, Tubbo was trying his hardest to hold back sobs as he struggled to get his sweater over his head. Every time he reached higher than his shoulders, the paralyzing pain would shoot through his chest and make him want to vomit. He felt sick. Slowly he managed to get his arms inside the sweater and shrugged it off of himself, pausing to catch his breath he accidentally looked in the mirror. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sight of himself hunched over, clutching his chest as the nude binder was constricting his breathing. It stared at him and taunted him. Just look at you, a real boy would not need to wear a fucking binder. A real boy would not need to get a shot in his leg every 2 months just to give him Testosterone. A real boy wouldn’t be born with a girl's name. It taunted him over and over again and he couldn’t help but let a sob escape his lips, immediately slamming a hand over his mouth in case Tommy heard. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And heard he did because not even four seconds later the door was swung open and Tommy barged in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Toby I really don’t give a fuck anymore what the fuck happen-” He seemed to stop himself mid-sentence when he saw his best friend on the floor, a short looking tank top on his torso. Tubbo took a sharp breath and glanced at Tommy’s feet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please… turn around for a few seconds. I’ll explain,” He said slowly, his voice going an octave higher after silently crying. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy started on a protest but realized that it was futile and complied by turning around, facing Tubbo’s door again. After making sure that Tommy couldn’t see him, he held his breath and tugged the binder over his head and throwing it on the floor. He had to bite himself not to scream when his ribs finally got the pressure put off them. His fingers found his discarded sweater and this time he couldn’t hold back and let the tears fall as he put it on. He sighed and moved to lean against the bed, Tommy was still stood to his left staring at the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can come here now,” as soon as the words left his mouth Tommy turned around and dropped himself down onto the floor, taking his place next to Tubbo. His eyes were filled with concern as he scanned his friend for injuries, his mind was clearly filled with unanswered questions. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This was not how he had planned this, not at all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m trans, Tommy, there you go.” He turned his head to look out the window, street lights shining down on the ice-covered asphalt. “I couldn’t breathe because I have worn my binder since 9 am… That’s 5 hours too long and now my ribs had to pay the price,”. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He felt Tommy shift next to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Toby, I’m… “ he cleared his throat before continuing, “ I’m glad you’re able to tell me, even if you were kinda forced to,”. He didn’t know what kind of explanation he expected out of Tubbo but this one was understandable. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tubbo sighed, “It’s fine, I was going to tell you eventually,” he looked over at Tommy and smiled a sad smile, the kind of smile you give someone after you tell them that their dog died or that you’re moving away for all foreseeable future. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what to do man, like do I hug you or?” Tommy awkwardly opened his arms in case he was actually to comfort his friend through a hug but was left with an empty embrace. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please don’t, not now at least. Maybe later when my chest isn’t in absolute fucking pain,” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, okay… But I’m always here if you need me” He lightly hit Tubbo’s shoulder with the back of his hand, “Big man”. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At that Tubbo smiled, maybe one day he could tell the others. For now, he was just happy to have Tommy. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>